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Faith & Values: When someone is struggling, what can we do?

Not long ago, I was delighted to run into an old friend at the grocery store. I had not seen her in quite a while, so we spent some time catching up on our families, work and recent travels. She had a lot going on in her life, so I was glad that we had the chance to reconnect.

Our brief visit reminded me that relationships play an important role in our lives. We need people with whom we can share life’s joys, challenges and heartaches. While social media may keep us up to date on important events, there is something unique and significant about having a conversation face to face with another.

When life is going well, our conversations may flow naturally and bring us joy and laughter, but what do we say to a friend facing a health issue, a relationship challenge or a significant loss? How do we respond to someone who is struggling in life?

Since the needs and concerns of friends and family members will vary, what one person finds helpful, another may not. This reality can lead people to distance and do nothing for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Rationalizations for not making contact with someone may include: “I don’t know what to say,” “I feel powerless to help,” or “No matter what I say, it won’t be enough.”

A question I find myself asking from time to time is: “What is the help that helps?” “How can be a resource to another and not a stressor?”

In Cori Doerrfeld’s children’s book, “The Rabbit Listened,” a child named Taylor builds a tower with blocks. When it all comes tumbling down, Taylor is not sure where to turn. The story illustrates a series of animals who are quite confident they have the answer that will help Taylor feel better. Whether it is the chicken who thinks Taylor should talk about it, the bear who thinks Taylor should get angry or the ostrich who thinks he should just hide, Taylor does not take any of their well-meaning advice.

Later on, Taylor notices a rabbit in the distance who is simply present and listening. This turns out to be just what Taylor needs. By simply listening, a safe space is created where Taylor is able to process his loss and make plans to rebuild something new.

Parker Palmer, author and founder of the Center for Courage and Renewal, shares a valuable guideline with the groups he facilitates: “No fixing, advising, ‘saving’ or correcting one another.” This guideline is one I find to be a helpful reminder when listening to another’s struggle.

In the book of Job, we observe the various ways Job’s friends showed up for him in his time of great loss. For seven days, his friends sit with him quietly. They do not say a word, and their presence seems to comfort and console. It is only later that they begin to question Job’s relationship to God and speak words of judgment. They attack his character, and blame him for his circumstances. If only they had continued their silent posture of compassion and patience.

The parable of the Good Samaritan is also a wonderful example of what it means to love our neighbor and respond to someone in need. While two men passed by the wounded man on the side of the road, the Samaritan stopped, bandaged his wounds and journeyed with him to a place where he was able to receive the care he needed.

Ultimately, I’d like to think people do the best they can when they encounter someone who is struggling — whether the person is a friend, family member or even a stranger. Some people might just show up and sit in silence. Others might provide care or share resources. Hopefully, all might be willing to offer the gift of listening. Sometimes people just want to be heard.

The Rev. Becky Evans Glass is executive director at Peninsula Pastoral Counseling Center in Newport News. She can be reached by email at beglass@peninsulapastoral.org.